Crime Lords Month: Three Rings

Roll up, roll up, it’s time for Crime Lords Month to continue with the worstest show on Earth! That’s right, Fellow Lost, it’s time to take a look at a bunch of miscreants we’ll most likely never see in VS…

 

That’s right, we’re taking a look at the Ringmaster’s Circus of Crime. With all the Ghost Rider and Red Skull stuff from earlier this week, it’s time we talk about something a little less Gothic.

I know, I know, you’re all about to correct me, astounding me with the depth of your comic knowledge of the Circus, namely that some of the more esoteric members have in fact been printed in VS (well… Dragon Man at least), but let’s face facts: Despite the Circus numbering some slightly-better-known troops in the troupe at various times, even down to Howard the Duck and Ulik (who had a cool-looking Heroclix), the likelihood of the core membership showing up on cards is so damn slim it should join the Great Lakes Avengers as a backup for Flatman.

In the interests of not rambling any longer than we really need to, we’ll be sticking to some the core members of the Circus of Crime for today’s mental meanderings. We won’t bother trying to cover them all, if only because in some cases there’s just… nothing out there worth reporting on them. Heh.

Let’s start off with the guy with the hat himself, Maynard Tiboldt, the Ringmaster.

Inheritting command of the Circus from his Nazi insurgent parents, Maynard turned to a life of crime as circus revenues dropped and he realised just  how much he really did generally despise people.

His weapon of choice? Hypnosis.

It’s all in the hat with the hypno circle, y’see. Now, credit where it’s due, he’s actually been able to hypnotise Spider-Man into fighting Daredevil, and my beloved She-Hulk even fell victim to that enchanting chapeau at one point, bit in the end, we have a several-time loser with a hat that allows for short-term entrancement.

Despite continually being caught and arrested, it’s awfully hard to make the charges stick when none of the victims can remember being… um… victims.

Second-in-command, and the guy who pretty much runs the show anyway, was The Clown.

True to his image, his weapons were juggling balls, a can, all the usual clown paraphernalia - and according to this pic, a standard handgun wielded from a pimped motor scooter.

I know we’re all supposed to take clowns more seriously, considering some people have phobias and the Dark Knight movie is set to put the fear of white facepaint into the heart of Gotham later this year, but still… he’s a freakin’ short dude with floppy shoes.

Now, he did go on to “bigger and better” things, joining the Gamma Corps to take on the Hulk as Griffin, but once a pratfalling juggler, always a pratfalling juggler.

These two sterling examples of bondage gear gone wrong are the normally-more-fully-clothed Flying Gambonnos, who most recently appeared in She-Hulk #5, when they tried to convince Shulkie’s law firm to take them on, claiming that’d been under the Ringmaster’s control, and never really wanted to be criminals…

That argument held up for all of 30 seconds, with the GLK&H staff fully aware of how long the Ringmaster’s hypnosis lasts. In the ensuing escape attempt the two acrobats were swiftly apprehended by She-Hulk and the Two Gun Kid. That’ll learn ‘em for having matching moustaches…

Whoosh! The Human Cannonball goes flying off the blog collumn!

There’s really not a lot more that can be said about this guy. I mean, seriously - take away his cannon and the worst he can do is duck his head and run at you.

I appreciate a good schtick, I like thematics and all that jazz, but by limitting your entire functionality to a piece of equipment that not only takes multiple people to maneuvre on your behalf, but that also is completely reliant on someone else to trigger for you, you pretty much slap yourself right there in the pretty-much-useless box.

Bruto the Strongman.

Why? Because every circus needs a strongman, eager to prove his manliness by wearing some sort of animal print, supposedly to suggest he killed the animal himself in some sort of display of raw machismo.

Now, considering the Circus of Crime went up against Spider-Man (proportionate strength and all that), had She-Hulk under their control at one point, and showed up against the Hulk, the Thing, and Luke Cage/Power Man, can you even imagine how this guy’s ego must have fared?

Here he was, the alleged strong guy on the team, and every other week his crew were up against guys who can bend steel and bench press cars without blinking.

Bruto, you have my sympathy. Now go and put some pants on.

Finally, we come to the one member of the Circus of Crime that I actually find engaging…

Alright, get your minds out of the gutter. I don’t find Princess Python interesting for her… outstanding assets. We’re talking about a woman who was defeated when Howard the Duck bit her on the nose, after all.

No, I freely admit the appeal is the love the woman harbours for the men in her life. I like a character, be it a hero or a villain, to be human in some way… and nothing says ‘human’ than knitting a sweater for a beloved pet (even if it is a python), or dealing with the grief of losing your husband through alcohol? Not that I promote alcohol as a resolution for anything, mind you, but I’ve seen more than a few people try to drink their problems away.

It doesn’t hurt that bringing her up here is a nice segue to her deceased hubby Stilt-Man either… well, I won’t spoil you with Wilbur Day goodness just yet, I’m saving that for another post. For now, you can just sleep easy knowing that the Circus of Crime will most likely never taint VS with their presence.

…. unless Billy feels like being a complete bastard and proving me wrong