The coolest team not in VS

We’ve determined throughout the establishment of March Madness that VS has in approx. 60 teams. Some are mini teams with only a couple of characters, others have been fully featured three different times.

Surely there’s enough their to appease any appetite, right? Heck, we’ve even had a teaser that Alpha Flight’s going to finally show up in Marvel Universe.

But there’s still something missing…

… and for my money, it’s the most fun damn comic I’ve read in the last decade.

Ladies and GentleLost, allow me to introduce NEXTWAVE: AGENTS OF H.A.T.E.

In a comic world dominated by assorted crises (Infinite, Identity, and otherwise) and wars (be they civil, hulkish or whatever), the discovery of NEXTWAVE was a sheer delight.

Splashing the palate with raw face-stomping, butt kicking, and most importantly D-Listers, NEXTWAVE cleanses and refreshes like an Irish spring.

It kicks all colours of butt, even the kind wearing purple underpants. I’m looking at you, Fin Fang Foom.

It even catered to the fans by deliberately putting stuff in that could easilly be converted to web avatars and banners.

How do I love NEXTWAVE? Let me count the ways.

1. D-List characters. When was the last time Monica Rambeau did anything noteworthy in comics? Aaron Stack/Machine Man? Tabitha “Boom-Boom” Smith? And don’t even pretend that you have any real idea who Elsa Bloodstone is, let alone the Captain.

2. Spoof central. The primary protagonist is Dirk Anger (Nick Fury), who commands the H.A.T.E. (S.H.I.E.L.D.) Aeromarine (Helicarrier). They fight Dread Rorkannu (Dormammu) of the Dank Dimension (Dark Dimension). Heck, they even draw from classic Marvel spoof comics to bring in Forbush Man, Charlie America, and the Inedible Bulk.

3. Quotability. “Oh My God! They explode! My life has taken on new meaning!”. “I met Charles Xavier once. He laughed at my hat.”. “Ha! What’s the matter? Did the disgustingly pretty human do something bad?”. “It’s the Gamma-activated Bull men from beyond the Nineteenth Perimeter… And they’re naked!”. “You know… throwing koala bears out of an airplane just doesn’t seem right.” and, of course, “My robot brain needs beer.”

4. Complete lack of a serious attitude. Yes, there’s some serious stuff happening, but… okay, example. When bad guys the Beyond Corporation decide to unleash the denizens of the Dank Dimension all over Shotcreek, Colorado, they summon Rorkannu. The exchange goes as follows:

Rorkannu: “You have invoked Rorkannu. Dread Rorkannu, Lord of the Dank Dimension, prodigal scion of Faltine, ruler of all he does perceive.”

Beyond Rep: “Hello. I represent the Beyond Corporation. It’s come to our attention that you control an unusual natural resource, over there in the Dank Dimension. The Mindless Ones, I believe they’re called. Big hunched-over guys who fire death stuff from their faces? We would like to rent those, please. What do you want for them?”

Rorkannu: “… girls. Cash also works.”

Beyond Rep: “Um… I have a hundred on me.”

Rorkannu: “Yes. Give me your hundred. … YES! I have a hundred of the Earth dollars! .. Ahem… This is acceptable to Dread Rorkannu. Yes. And the girls. I like those ‘Suicide Girls’.”

Beyond rep: “Suicide Girls.”

Rorkannu: “On the website. The girls with tatoos and piercings. I like those. No blondes.”

How many other comics can work in a Suicide Girls reference, let alone as part of an infernal bargain??? Hah! I laughed, I plotzed.

Ah, enough with the counting ways.

Can you not see how this comic is all colours of awesome?

And you know, it’s even available in two handy TPB’s (entitled “This is what they want” and “Healing America”, if you must know) so you don’t have to worry about trying to root through dealer bins at comic conventions to find single issues to complete your collection.

Then you’ll get to sit down and experience the spiffyness of Stuart Immonen’s art in two handy volumes, as the team takes on everything from a robotic car-eating cop to Elvis MODOKs to a field full of brocolli men. Yes, Dirk, Hot Damn! indeed.

Drop Bears, Lizard Boom Sticks, Pteromen. Snakes in biplanes, Simian Wolverines, Reptilian Cyclops, Blue-skinned pirates with laser peglegs. Albino Battle-Cats, Dragon Man chimneysweeps, death by Steven Hawking.

Face it, fellow Lost, you could do a lot worse than to sink yourself into a comic that makes no bones about the fact that it’s there to entertain you.

It’s not trying to teach you some deep moral lesson.

It’s not passing commentary on the state of Democracy in the Western World, or the way America is perceived by the rest of the planet.

It’s not even trying to serious most of the time… but it’s more fun than a bathtub full of spaghetti and dagnabbit, the most entertaining thing I’ve read in a bloody long time.

Go. Buy the TPBs. Love it, just as I have.

Then try to imagine what it would be like playing the team in VS.

…. (*glee*)